Prose 生活隨筆: Reflection on the 600th Post (my old blog) 第 600 篇貼文的感想(舊部落格)

(This post was published on my old blog on November 11, 2022.)
(這篇貼文在 2022 年 11 月 11 日發表於我的舊部落格。)

I’m like a lost child who is unable to find her way. This is the mental journey of my 600th blog post. Deep inside, I know this is a post about my dad’s passing. It’s not sadness that keeps me from writing but a sense of loss. It is like falling into the abyss. In that dark, cold and lonely bottomless pit, I feel that I am completely lost and unable to find a way out. It makes me feel suffocated and unable to move. I moved away from home years ago and did not spend much time with dad. I should be used to him not being around. But, I felt gloomy in these recent months. Sometimes this kind of melancholy mood made me feel ill. When I sensed the blue mood, I pushed myself to exercise or found other interesting things to divert my attention. It was then that I realized how much my father meant to me. I had an opportunity to spend a few weeks with my little granddaughter a couple weeks ago. Watching how my daughter raised her daughter made me realize that I did not give each child more freedom to develop their unique personality as I brought them up. I was under the influence of traditional Chinese upbringing. It seemed that training my kids to be obedient was my focus of upbringing them. Nurturing and shaping them into what the parents (we) or society desired was the goal. This reminds me of the last time my dad visited me in Los Angeles in 2019. One day he asked me if he had any parenting styles or practices that he needed to apologize for. I was stunned and replied, “No.” For me, it was really not easy for a father who lived in a traditional Chinese value system of respecting and honoring the elders to say such things. Moreover, he really tried his best to love and nurture us. So, what was there to blame? Dad, I miss you! But I know my dad doesn’t want me to live in sadness and loss. Let this picture taken at LAX airport inspire me. Let my inspiration fly, jump out of darkness and continue to explore a colorful world. I want to be like my dad who is a blessing to others.

我像一個迷路的孩子，找不到方向。這是我這部落格第 600 篇帖子的心路歷程。在內心深處，我知道這是一篇有關爸爸離世的感受，但是不是悲傷難過讓我不知如何著筆，而是一種失落感，一種掉到深淵，在那個深隧幽黑、冰冷孤寂的無底洞，找不到出路，完全迷失的迷惘，讓我窒息不能動彈。離家多年，與爸爸生活在一起的時間不多，我應該習慣他不在身邊的感覺，但這幾個月，心裡一直很悶，有時有一種快要生病的憂鬱情緒覆蓋著我，當我意識到這種憂鬱情緒時，便趕緊運動或找其他有趣的事情轉移注意力。這時我才驚覺爸爸在我心中的份量。前一陣子有機會與小外孫女相處了數週，看著女兒的教養方式，我突然發現自己以前帶自己小孩時，沒給予他們足夠的自由去隨性發展。受了傳統的中式教育影響下的我，似乎聽話及守規矩是教養他們的重心之ㄧ，把他們培養及塑造成父母親（我們）或社會期待的模樣是其中的目標。這讓我想起 2019 年，爸爸最後一次來洛杉磯時，有一天他問我，他有沒有什麼養育方式或作法不當的地方，需要道歉的，我愣了一下，回說「沒有」。對我來說，活在一個中國傳統敬老尊賢體制下的父親會說出這種話，真的不簡單。而且，他是真心盡力的愛護及教養我們，又有何指責呢？爸爸，我想你了！但是我知道爸爸不希望我活在憂愁失落中，讓這張在 LAX 機場照的畫來鼓舞自己，讓自己的靈感展翅飛翔，跳出黑暗，不斷探索多彩的世界，像爸爸一樣，成為他人的祝福。

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