(An old post was published on another blog of mine.)
My family and many friends know that I rarely cook, so why do I use bread pictures in this post? What does the bread have anything to do with the words?
When I was young, I felt that eating was just a life-sustaining obligation and it was a waste of time. I really hope that someone will invent a pill which can satisfy me in place of a meal. However I did not know that I married a man who embraces Chinese saying “eating is the most paramount concern for the people, and taste is the focal point regarding eating”. Since I am not interested in eating, I only care about whether food is cooked or not and I can’t tell the taste from good to bad. So, this kind of cooking approach brings me a lot of troubles in our marriage. My husband can’t bear my tasteless food because my late mother-in-law was a good cook and everyone loved her cooking. So when we first got married, most of our quarrels were related to cooking. And I was often “instructed” how to cook (Chinese food). I felt frustrated. I totally lost confidence in cooking Chinese dishes. To avoid quarreling, in the end, my husband was in charge of cooking. I occasionally cooked Western food or desserts.
During the pandemic, I often see different people making bread. Although I really want to try making one, I have not dared to try because of the low success rate in the past for experiments in making different food. One day I was chatting with a friend and somehow we talked about making bread. Later she shared a couple of bread recipes with me. I was so bored at home that I wanted to give it a try. Surprisingly, I got a lot of praise from my husband when he tasted the bread. He even asks me to make different kinds of bread. Reminds me of the theory of positive reinforcement. According to the operant conditioning theory of psychology, people can learn the desired behavior through the Stimulus-Response (S-R) such as reward and punishment. So my husband’s positive encouragement allowed me to increase my confidence to try a few different kinds of bread. And he could also enjoy some good food without having to labor. From this example, we can see that positive and encouraging words are very effective.
Proverbs 18:20-21 “With the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach will be satisfied; With the produce of his lips he will be satisfied. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.”
I did not know it was due to my personality or social-cultural influence. This reminds me that when my children were young, I gave my children less praise compared to American parents. And I am not used to hugging them or saying I love you. It wasn’t until my children grew up and communicated to me that I realized the negative impact of the lack of positive body or verbal encouragement for the children. They will mistakenly think that they are not cherished by their parents. Sometimes they also live in the myth of pursuing perfection to please their parents, and become depressed when thinking in their own minds that they are not worthy or good enough. I am very grateful that my daughters have a close relationship with me. They can communicate with me frankly, so that I can give them positive and loving encouragement now to remedy the old wounds.
Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but only that which is good for building up, according to the need, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
We know that we need to say positive words to others, but sometimes we forget to avoid speaking negative words to curse ourselves. For example, I have a poor memory, always forgetting things; I am so stupid that I can’t cook any dishes; I’m so naive, I’m often deceived by others and so on. In fact, these are all words cursing oneself. Words have powers. Positive words offer blessings. Blessings always win over curses. So besides building up, encouraging, providing consolation and blessing others often, don’t forget to bless yourself and avoid cursing yourself.
Proverbs 15:4 “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, But perverseness in it is a breaking of the spirit.”
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(一篇舊文發表在我的另一個部落格。)
我的家人及許多朋友都知道我很少做飯，那怎麼會用一些麵包的圖片來寫這篇文章呢？這倒底是怎麼一回事?這又與言辭有什麼關係呢？
話說我小的時候，覺得吃飯這件事只是為了盡一個維持生命的義務，很浪費時間，真的希望有人發明一顆食丸，一吞就解決一餐了。誰知竟然嫁給一個抱有”民以食為天，食以味為先”的人。由於我對吃一點興趣也沒有，所以我煮飯只求煮熟，實在無法分辨味道的好壞，麻煩也因此而來。我先生無法忍受這種食之無味的日子，因為我婆婆煮得一手好菜，大家都愛。所以在剛結婚時，我們爭吵的話題絕大部分都與吃有關。而我又常常被”指點”如何做菜（中餐），挫折感重重，對做中式料理愈發沒有信心，為避免爭吵，所以最後我們家都是我先生掌廚，只有西餐或糕餅類的東西，才輪的到我做。
疫情期間，常看到不同的人在做麵包，雖然很想試試，但是由於我過去試驗做不同的食物成功率不高，所以一直不敢出手嘗試。有一天與朋友聊天，不知怎麼提起做麵包之事，她便把她試過的食譜與我分享，我待在家裏無聊至極，就想姑且一試，未料破天荒得到先生許多誇獎，竟然要我做不同口味的麵包，讓我想到正向強化增強(Positive reinforcement)理論。根據心理學的操作制約理論(operant conditioning)，人們可以藉由獎賞與懲罰這樣的刺激─反應(Stimulus-Response, S-R)來學習被期望的行為。所以我先生的正面鼓勵，讓我增加信心去嘗試做幾種不同的麵包，他也能免其勞而得享些口福。從這個例子可以看出說正面及鼓勵人的話是很有功効的。
箴言 18:20-21 「人口中所結的果子、必充滿肚腹，他嘴所出的、必使他飽足。生死在舌頭的權下、喜愛他的、必喫他所結的果子。」
這又讓我想到以前在孩子還小的時候，不知是個性或社會文化影響的原故，比起美國的父母，我給予小孩的稱讚是較少的；也不習慣給予擁抱或說我愛你。直到小孩長大成人後跟我反應，我才意識到，對小孩缺乏給與正面的肢體或語言的鼓勵，所產生的負面影響。他們會誤以為不被父母珍愛。有時也活在追求完美的迷思中以取悅父母，而常陷於自我否定自己價值的苦境裏。我很感謝我的女兒們跟我有親蜜的關係，他們能坦誠的與我溝通，讓我在有生之年，還能給與他們正面及愛的鼓勵，以補救舊時的傷害。
以弗所書 4:29 「污穢的言語、一句不可出口、只要隨事說造就人的好話、叫聽見的人得益處。」
我們知道要對他人說正面造就人的話，但有時卻忘了避免對自己說負面咒詛的話語。例如說我記憶力好差，總是忘東忘西；我好笨，什麼菜都不會做；我好天真，常常受騙上當等等。其實這都是對自己咒詛自己的話。話語是有能力的。正面的言語可以帶來祝福。而祝福永遠勝過咒詛。所以除了常造就、安慰、勸勉並祝福別人外，也別忘了祈禱祝福自己，並且避免說咒詛自己的話語。
箴言 15:4 「溫良的舌、是生命樹，乖謬的嘴、使人心碎。」
XYZ/Inspirational Posts 其它雜類或勵志帖子